Rochester offers the average slob like me plenty of opportunities for envy. And I'd be lying if I said I don't sometimes gaze fondly at vehicles like the Hummer and wonder how it feels to own the biggest, baddest thing that money can buy.
Well, the good news is that I found away to have that warm, overstuffed feeling of conspicuous consumption without the expense and parking issues of an oversized SUV. It's called the Gillette Fusion, and it set me back a mere ten bucks.
When Gillette introduced the Fusion, there were a lot of chuckles. Who needs a five bladed razor? Answer: no one. But goddam did I want one and, as you can see from the photos, it is without doubt the best a man can get.
By the way, those of you who not fortunate enough to own a Fusion may not know that this bad motherfucker has six blades, not five. And it is huge. The five-blade main assembly is as wide as a dime. It is so wide that Gillette includes another blade to shave places that are too narrow for the main blade-slab.
The top-end model also battery-powered -- the Fusion "Power" uses one AAA battery to make the blade vibrate. Naturally, I bought that one.
So what's it like as a shaver? Shitty, if you must know the truth. The vibration tears up my face, and the giant blade is almost unmaneuverable. The Fusion delivers one of the worst shaves I've had in years.
But, as with most of the outrageous objects of desire, practicality isn't the point. The Precious burns, but it has six blades. This thing is literally and figuratively at the bleeding edge of razor technology.
The advertising for the Fusion is beyond parody, featuring a lab-coated scientist/supermodel who demonstrates the Holosphere where the Fusion was developed. Apparently, the Holosphere is located in the same fictional place where fat dorks are surrounded with hot blondes in bikinis because they drink the right brand of beer. Turn left at the Coors laser facility -- if you reach the Miller Lite genome lab, you've gone too far.
Yet for all of the manliness that Gillette tries to pin on the Fusion, I've got some creeping doubts. A blade that large has a really hard time negotiating a small area like a face: it would work better shaving larger areas, like legs. And it vibrates. I'll let you connect the dots, but I think a pink Fusion will be coming out pretty soon. It will be the Manolo Blahnik of personal hygiene devices.
